Xander says…

“That was a fun ride!”
Uttered by Xander as his hair stylist was raising him up in his barber chair.

“That chicken is bock, bock, bocking down my throat”
Xander describing the sound his cooked chicken makes during dinner time.

“I’m being a good boy today.”
This is what Xander says, usually when he’s in time out for something he shouldn’t be doing. I think he’s trying to pull some sort of reverse psychology on me.

“Are you counting in your hair?”
This is what Xander asks me when I’m counting his time out silently in my head.

“I want to line up all my vacuums!”
Xander’s favorite activity in the whole world.

 

Xander’s Current Age: 3 years

The Build-A-Bear Experience

If any of you are unfamiliar with Build-A-Bear, (if you’re a parent there’s no way in hell this is possible, just sayin’) it’s basically a stuffed animal workshop that your kids can go and customize a stuffed animal. The process is quite involved, from first choosing an unstuffed teddy bear carcass all the way down to dressing it in the latest “One Direction” attire. It’s actually a pretty cool idea and could be a fun experience for any kid…if they’re into it. If they’re not, well… it can be nothing short of a disaster. Let’s see how Xander did.

Mum mum and I decided to take Xander to Build-A-Bear over the weekend. Since we missed trick-or-treat, due to the weather, we both thought this might be a fun alternative. It was a particularly busy day at the mall, but Xander seemed to be in good spirits as we strollered him up to the teddy bear storefront. We unclipped him from his restraints and he was “off like the wind” and bounded into the store.

Step 1: Choices, Choices (choosing your animal)

The first step in the Build-A -Bear process, is obvious, picking your style of bear. The store offers a plethora of choices, and not just of the teddy bear type, there’s cats, penguins, bunnies and mice, each occupying their own little shelf along the main wall.  Located front and center, on the top shelf, was the crown jewel of the store, a $25 red panda. It reminded me of a bar in some ways, where all the good liquor is placed on the top shelf, I guess the red panda is the Patron of the Build-A-Bear world. I know, I know, so what did Xander choose? Well, if any of you know Xander, you’ll also know that he is an avid cat fan, (I think we’re at 10 stuffed cats and counting), so we had a good idea of what he would choose. We were right, but he didn’t choose just any cat, nope, he wanted the white Hello Kitty with the big pink bow. Nice! The rest of the process was pretty much down hill from here.

Step 2: Watch Out for the Metal Shrapnel (stuffing your animal)

The next step in the process, was one of Xander’s favorites, filling your lifeless looking animal with white, fluffy, stuffing. One of the “more-nice-than-they-need-be” store associates helped with this process. They ask your child’s name, which they write on the brightly colored tag that comes with your animal. Next they slide your limp little animal over a metal tube and press a black pedal and the stuffing starts flying. The nice young lady tried to recruit Xander for this process, by encouraging him to the press the pedal too. After a few moments, he finally warmed up to the idea and seemed to enjoy it. Then, all of a sudden, we hear “Clunk!” The girl stopped immediately, and with a surprised look on her face, mentioned that it sounded like something metal had gone through. “Hmm” I wondered, “Is it common to have metal shrapnel mixed in with the teddy bear stuffing?” After a thorough cavity search of poor Hello Kitty, she was fully stuffed, stitched up and metal free. Xander got to place a little heart inside her too. It was like watching a little Dr. Frankenstein bringing his monster to life. Wait! What? No defibrillator? I thought we would at least give Hello Kitty a couple of jolts to help her heart going. (I think I’ll put that in the suggestion box for next time.)

Step 3: The Tub Vacuum (washing your animal)

Once your little animal is fully stuffed, you can then move onto the washing station. It’s a cute little bath tube with a huge curved shower that hangs over the middle of it. The tub has a pedal too, which when pushed, sounds like an industrial strength Shop Vac that shoots a high pressure column of air out of the shower head. The tub is equipped with several little scrub brushes that you can use to clean up your little critter. Xander loved this part, because he thought that the tub was a vacuum, and Xander is crazy about vacuums. If I was smart, which I’m not, we would’ve skipped this step altogether and went right to picking out some clothes for Miss Kitty.

Step 4: 101 Ways to Spend Your Dough (dressing your animal)

The next part of your teddy bear creating process is supposed to be choosing some clothes and accessories for your little creation. But Xander was having none of it. Once he realized that the bath tub was a huge vacuum that he could operate on his own, that’s basically all he wanted to do at this point. We tried to entice him by showing him how cool Hello Kitty could look in some brightly colored mini couture. But he kept saying “More tub vacuum!” The store was becoming super busy at this point, and more and more kids were in line for stuffing and washing their own bears. We told Xander that he had a turn at the tub, but now the other kids needed to use it. His two-year old brain obviously didn’t agree and mad a b-line back to the tub and stuffing stations. We tried to direct him back to the clothes, but it was like wrangling a heard of hungry chipmunks away from a pile of acorns. “No!” “More tub vacuum” Xander exclaimed. I felt that it was best to make a quick exit at this point and move onto the check out. It was obvious that Xander no longer cared about dressing Hello Kitty but would rather be the tub vacuum operator for the remainder of the day. I bent down to pick up Xander, who was becoming more and more frustrated, and in true toddler tantrum form sunk to the floor in a heap. I peeled Xander off the linoleum, (trying to pick up 30 pounds of dead weight isn’t exactly easy), we grabbed an outfit and made our way to the checkout. The outfit in question ended up being $13.50? NOTE TO SELF: Never pay more for an outfit for a stuffed animal than you would for yourself.

Step 5: A Little Game I Like To Call: “Let’s See How Many Useless Things We Can Try and Sell You Before You Finally Get to Leave this God-forsaken Place.”(purchasing your animal)

Xander, now in full tantrum mode, was placed in his stroller in the hopes that he would calm down on his own, but to no available. “Ok, great “I thought. We made it to the checkout, the hard part is done and we can get the hell outta of here.

Clerk: “So would your animal like to go home in a house or a blue tote bag for $7.50?”

Me: “Nope just a house today, thanks.”

Clerk: “Would you like to fill out a birth certificate for your animal today?”

Me: “Nope.”

Me in my head: “Hey lady, do you hear that loud wailing we’re both trying to talk over, yes, that’s my kid and he’s obviously upset. So if we can just move this along.”

Clerk: “Ok, have a wonderful day.”

Different clerk: “Are you part of the “some sort of dumbass stuffed animal club card” program?”

Me: “Nope.”

Clerk: “Are you sure, it’s free.”

Me: “Nope.”

Me in my head: “Lady if you ask me one more question, I will punch in you in the mouth.”

Clerk: “Would you like a 10 dollar gift card today for 5  dollars?”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!”

Epilogue 

Well, we survived, and I didn’t have to be escorted out by mall security, thank goodness. I can’t tell you have many dirty looks we got from the other parents during this whole ordeal.  They obviously thought that there shouldn’t be any reason for your kid to be crying at Build-A-Bear. Come on people, it’s not Disney World. The one bright spot in this whole ordeal is that Hello Kitty’s pink bow is velcroed to her big fat head. I think it may just turn up “missing” in the near future.

Little Snips

The day of reckoning had finally arrived, I had been putting it for far too long. Time to put my daddy-sized shoe down and take Xander to get his second haircut. This was a day that I had been dreading, and honestly, I was probably more nervous than Xander. You would understand if you had witnessed his very first haircut experience. You’d have thought that we were getting ready to sacrifice him to the scissor gods. Of course, I can kind of see where he was coming from. Seeing little kids wrapped in capes, so only their little heads being visible, shiny, sharp objects whisked near your head, loud, buzzing trimmers on your neck, and industrial strength hair dryers that can melt your eyeballs. Yeah, if don’t really know what’s going on, I can see how this experience would be slightly traumatic.

For hair cut numero dos, I decided to take Xander to same place where I get my hair cut, Alphie’s. I’ve gone their a few times and have been really happy with the results and the staff is super friendly. I left Xander in the car when we arrived and gave the staff a fair warning that they were going to be in for a rough 10-15 minutes. I asked if anyone had any experience wrestling alligators as that would be helpful, since Xander is one to not sit still. “No, but Ashley is available and kids seem to like her.” came the reply. “Great!” I thought, this might not be so bad.

I rushed Xander in and sat down as quickly as I could, before he get his bearings and realize what was actually going on. It didn’t take him long before the tears and whimpering started, but I reassured him that everything was going to be ok. Already snotty and teary-eyed, I sat him on my lap as they wrapped me in the obligatory black apron. Ashley tried to put one on Xander, but he was having none of it. He kept pushing it away, waving his hands  and exclaimed “No, no.”

Then the dreaded trimming began, which caused Xander to break out his mini-martial arts. He started throwing forearm blocks up everywhere to foil Ashley’s hair cutting attempts. The stylist next to us noticed what was going on and decided to intervene with a distraction. And wouldn’t you know it, she handed Xander a plastic, orange cat toy. If you know Xander, you also know that he loves cats. (Refer to post: Xander is the Crazy Cat Lady) Instantly, Xander was fixated on the green eyes of the plastic kitty and was oblivious to the scissor snips from Ashley. Another thing that really helped was that everyone was constantly running their hair dryers. Xander obviously associated them with vacuums, his second favorite thing. Poor Ashley had to keep turning our seat so that Xander could get a good view of each “vacuum” in use.

I was surprised, relieved, over-joyed, elated, and very pleased that Xander did such a good job with his second hair cut. Ashley really saved the day, and Xander finally looks like a little boy again. She handed Xander a grape Tootsie Pop when we were all finished, which means that Ashely is now a friend for life. As we left, I picked Xander up, covered in little blonde hairs, gave him a big hug and told him how proud I was of him. Xander replied with a sticky grin, “Toosy Pop!” (Tootsie Pop)

Yay, Pancake House!

This past Saturday I decided to take Xander to the “Original Pancake House” to celebrate his birthday. If you’ve never been, the Pancake House has a huge menu ranging from gourmet waffle treats, to crepes, and endless varieties of…yes, you guessed it, pancakes!

As we were seated, and Xander had been stuffed into his high chair, I handed him his obligatory set of kid’s crayons and kids menu. For some reason, Xander has never really taken an interest in the activities laid out on his little paper place mattes. I asked him once again if he would want to color in the fun characters or navigate the maze, and his response was “Vac, vac!” (Short for vacuum.) Yeah, big surprise there, if you know anything about Xander, or have read any of the previous posts, you will understand. Well with that request, I turned the place matte over, to reveal a blank kiddy canvas, and put on my daddy-artist cap. As we waited for our order (crepes and sausage, yummy!) I picked up a crayon and with my best Picasso impression, began to sketch out all sorts of vacuum variations.

Xander looked on intently as I rendered all sorts of crayola creations. I knew all of those years at art school would finally pay off, Xander was impressed.

Finally, our breakfast had arrived and I set my mini-masterpiece aside. Xander was very excited, especially for the crepes; basically anything with syrup goes over pretty well with this kid. I think his smile kept getting bigger with each subsequent bite of his breakfast treat. Two toddler thumbs up from Xander on the “Original Pancake House,” he especially enjoyed his “Ap..pool….Joo…sh.” (Apple Juice).

An outing with Xander wouldn’t be complete without him making a new friend or two. On this particular day, Xander decided to play “Peek-A-Boo” with the nice, older couple sitting directly behind us. I turned around to see what all the fuss was about. The middle-aged man and woman were grinning from ear to ear and were obviously delighted to meet Xander’s acquaintance. “He’s such a flirt.” the woman replied, “Did you teach him that?” Nope, Xander…he’s a natural.

The Great Vacuum Fascination

Just what is it about the standard house-hold vacuum that boys are just fascinated with? The lights, vibrant colors, hoses, or the other-worldly hum? I think it’s probably a combination of all of these. I’m trying to imagine how my 22-month-old son sees them, especially the Dyson’s, which would look more at home in a New York art gallery than the show room of the local Sears or Kmart.

I’m learning that this fascination is a common theme among little boys. I first heard about it from my co-worker, about a year ago. He was telling us that his nearly two-year-old son had spent one afternoon at Chucky Cheese, not in the ball pit, or at the skee ball machine, or being freaked out by a giant mouse, but in the corner of the party room fascinated with a vacuum. I thought that it was just a strange quirk, until my son started doing the exact same thing.

If Xander and I go to any store, and his eyes catch a glimpse of these plastic behemoths, he loudly exclaims “Vac, Vac!” and runs as fast as his little size 6’s will take him. The next 15 minutes, or so, are spent with Xander pointing at each one, Daddy tells him the color, and he tells me all the cool features in his toddler talk.

I finally decided to remedy his vacuum fix this past Christmas. Xander is now a proud owner of his very own, toddler-sized, Dirt Devil vacuum. It was a gift from his Aunt, and he truly loves it!

Having a kid is the greatest thing, because you get to experience the world in whole different way…through their eyes. Being a dad is a great adventure.